Angry attacks

Two of my favorite people have started attacking each other:

Phil Yu, publisher of the internet news blog Angry Asian Man: "I Am Being Threatened With An Angry Asian Lawsuit"

Lela Lee, creator of Angry Little Girls: "Why the "Angry Asian Man" is pissing me off."

As you might expect, it's...angry?

Background: I most definitely fall into the casual observer category. I follow Phil's blog feed. I have admired Lela's Angry Little Girls creations for years. Watching this public confrontation interests me roughly as much as the regular updates to blog 11-foot-8, which documents the completely avoidable demolition of over-sized vehicles attempting to pass under a bridge.

In my opinion, Lela seems to have a kernel of truth on her side. It sounds reasonable, to me, to assume she attempted to communicate her preferences to Phil, on a few occasions...I am guessing, given the casual context, Phil heard her preferences but didn't "hear" Lela's irritation/fear and her larger need to protect herself and her family's source of income.

Thus the "whoa, where did that come from, I-thought-we-were-friends" tone of Phil's post. It explains the corresponding escalation of tension and fear in Lela's actions and communications.

Rather than having it play out in public, this seems exactly the type of situation a skilled mediator might resolve, to begin de-escalating things and more quickly ensure each party gets their needs met.

However, first things first: each side needs to clearly articulate their needs and hear the needs of the other side.

Phil's attempt to formalize his blog with a trademark seems to represent the proverbial straw which broke the camel's back, for Lela. Therefore, it seems reasonable to infer Lela may want to protect herself and her family financially. She has also seemed to mention a need to be heard, especially in a timely way...stated a different way, perhaps a need for predictability in her interactions with Phil on this matter. It also sounds like, maybe as a secondary issue (?), Lela wants more recognition and appreciation from Phil, for her efforts and contributions in building her business and the inspirations it provided to the work of many people, Phil included.

Phil's needs seem a bit less clear, to me, but that's probably only because it's late and I am struggling to stay awake. I think it would make a lot of sense to ask and see if he can articulate his needs. If I had to guess, I would say Phil probably needs more trust from Lela about his intentions in operating his site, and that he only wants to operate his site if he can do so without significantly impacting Lela's financial situation. He seems overwhelmed with the implications of this issue and other, unmentioned, issues, of late, so I am guessing he needs more flexibility and consideration and autonomy in deciding the future of his site. Phil also seems to want recognition and appreciation for the years of time and energy he has invested into his site.

Things to avoid when identifying needs: evaluation, blame, criticism, labels, moralistic judgments, diagnoses, strategies, demands.

Then, stay with that discussion, and, once each side hears the other's needs and can repeat them back, it's most likely only a short hop to finding a way or ways to meet those needs...it usually follows naturally and quickly.

We are all human beings; we all share the same needs. Given Phil and Lela share so, so, so much common ground, I'm confident a mediator might help them not only reach an agreeable solution that meets everyone's needs, but also exit with a renewed commitment to work toward the larger goals of the community at large.